[SATIRE] Interview with a Qantas bean counter This is an original piece I wrote in one sitting the other night.

[SATIRE] Interview with a Qantas bean counter

This is an original piece I wrote in one sitting the other night. As the week draws to a close, I thought I'd share with everyone a Thursday night laugh.

Bryan is the interviewer, as this was written in the style of the ABC show 'Clarke and Dawe'.

BRYAN: Good evening, and welcome to the show. Could you please introduce yourself with your name?

AL: Hello, thank you. My name is Titude.

BRYAN: That's quite a rare name, isn't it?

AL: Not in my family it isn't.

BRYAN: Oh, what’s your first name?

AL: Al.

BRYAN: So your full name is Al Titude?

AL: That’s correct.

BRYAN: Alright, Al, you work for the airline Qantas, don't you?

AL: That’s correct, Bryan, I work for Qantas, the Spirit of Australia.

BRYAN: Al, what’s your position at the airline?

AL: I’m a bean counter.

BRYAN: That’s quite a senior position, isn’t it?

AL: Yes, very senior in fact. Ever since we started serving real coffee again using the plungers, we’ve really been quite important to the airline.

BRYAN: I see… Alright, Al, here’s your first question. What is the most important destination that Qantas flies to?

AL: Sydney.

BRYAN: Correct! Now, I know there aren’t many of these people, but occasionally some people will want to fly somewhere that isn’t Sydney. How does Qantas get these people where they want to go?

AL: Well, Bryan, we can do one of two things.

BRYAN: And these are?

AL: Well, the first thing we can do is fly them via Sydney.

BRYAN: Or?

AL: Or… or we can fly them via Sydney.

BRYAN: Correct! What is the best way to resolve an industrial relations dispute?

AL: Ground the planes and lock all the staff out.

BRYAN: Correct! You’re doing very well so far, hope you can keep it up. Your next question is a little more specific. On the Singapore routes from Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth, you have a world-class cabin product and a high frequency and capacity. How do you remain competitive with your primary competitor Singapore Airlines?

AL: Oh, this is a tricky one. It’s a multi-step process to turn things around.

BRYAN: And what are these steps?

AL: Well, Bryan, the first thing you do is cut the Adelaide and Perth services entirely.

BRYAN: And the second?

AL: Then you cut frequency to Melbourne and Brisbane.

BRYAN: And then?

AL: Then you downsize all the flights to use smaller aircraft with a previous-generation cabin product.

BRYAN: Correct! Well done, that was a very hard question but you’ve done really well. Alright, here’s a slightly easier one. Your customers have told you that they really like the hot breakfast service of eggs and so on, but that it’s taking too long and impacting their sleep. What do you do?

AL: Oh, that’s very easy. You want to speed it up, so you cut back the breakfast service to a muffin.

BRYAN: But then it wouldn’t be hot. The customers say they like the hot breakfast service.

AL: That’s no problem, Bryan. We can chuck the muffin into the oven for a bit.

BRYAN: But that takes longer. How do you justify it?

AL: Based on positive customer feedback.

BRYAN: Correct. What is the airline’s preferred route to Europe?

AL: Emirates.

BRYAN: Correct. Alright, we just have one last question for you before we wrap it up for today, Al. Is Jetconnect the same airline as Qantas or is it not?

AL: Yes.

BRYAN: Yes it is or yes it isn’t?

AL: Yes.

BRYAN: Correct! Wow, you’ve got everything right, Al, very well done, very good job. You’ve won yourself a holiday for two to Tokyo!

AL: Oh, fantastic! I’ve always wanted to go. Is it on Qantas?

BRYAN: No, I’m afraid it’s actually on Jetstar.

Very well done, looking forward to next week's instalment :)

Thank you, I'll see if prepare something up to scratch.

We'll done! It's funny because it's true :)

Very good!

Gold, keep em coming

Brilliant, Simply Brilliant 

Truly exhilirating! Maybe because it is so true? Can't wait for more!