Qantas - Qantas Frequent Flyer
Member since 17 Aug 2012
Total posts 1,285
[SATIRE] Interview with a Qantas bean counter
This is an original piece I wrote in one sitting the other night. As the week draws to a close, I thought I'd share with everyone a Thursday night laugh.
Bryan is the interviewer, as this was written in the style of the ABC show 'Clarke and Dawe'.
BRYAN: Good evening, and welcome to the show. Could you please introduce yourself with your name?
AL: Hello, thank you. My name is Titude.
BRYAN: That's quite a rare name, isn't it?
AL: Not in my family it isn't.
BRYAN: Oh, whatâs your first name?
BRYAN: So your full name is Al Titude?
AL: Thatâs correct.
BRYAN: Alright, Al, you work for the airline Qantas, don't you?
AL: Thatâs correct, Bryan, I work for Qantas, the Spirit of Australia.
BRYAN: Al, whatâs your position at the airline?
AL: Iâm a bean counter.
BRYAN: Thatâs quite a senior position, isnât it?
AL: Yes, very senior in fact. Ever since we started serving real coffee again using the plungers, weâve really been quite important to the airline.
BRYAN: I seeâ¦ Alright, Al, hereâs your first question. What is the most important destination that Qantas flies to?
BRYAN: Correct! Now, I know there arenât many of these people, but occasionally some people will want to fly somewhere that isnât Sydney. How does Qantas get these people where they want to go?
AL: Well, Bryan, we can do one of two things.
BRYAN: And these are?
AL: Well, the first thing we can do is fly them via Sydney.
AL: Orâ¦ or we can fly them via Sydney.
BRYAN: Correct! What is the best way to resolve an industrial relations dispute?
AL: Ground the planes and lock all the staff out.
BRYAN: Correct! Youâre doing very well so far, hope you can keep it up. Your next question is a little more specific. On the Singapore routes from Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth, you have a world-class cabin product and a high frequency and capacity. How do you remain competitive with your primary competitor Singapore Airlines?
AL: Oh, this is a tricky one. Itâs a multi-step process to turn things around.
BRYAN: And what are these steps?
AL: Well, Bryan, the first thing you do is cut the Adelaide and Perth services entirely.
BRYAN: And the second?
AL: Then you cut frequency to Melbourne and Brisbane.
BRYAN: And then?
AL: Then you downsize all the flights to use smaller aircraft with a previous-generation cabin product.
BRYAN: Correct! Well done, that was a very hard question but youâve done really well. Alright, hereâs a slightly easier one. Your customers have told you that they really like the hot breakfast service of eggs and so on, but that itâs taking too long and impacting their sleep. What do you do?
AL: Oh, thatâs very easy. You want to speed it up, so you cut back the breakfast service to a muffin.
BRYAN: But then it wouldnât be hot. The customers say they like the hot breakfast service.
AL: Thatâs no problem, Bryan. We can chuck the muffin into the oven for a bit.
BRYAN: But that takes longer. How do you justify it?
AL: Based on positive customer feedback.
BRYAN: Correct. What is the airlineâs preferred route to Europe?
BRYAN: Correct. Alright, we just have one last question for you before we wrap it up for today, Al. Is Jetconnect the same airline as Qantas or is it not?
BRYAN: Yes it is or yes it isnât?
BRYAN: Correct! Wow, youâve got everything right, Al, very well done, very good job. Youâve won yourself a holiday for two to Tokyo!
AL: Oh, fantastic! Iâve always wanted to go. Is it on Qantas?
BRYAN: No, Iâm afraid itâs actually on Jetstar.
Virgin Australia - Velocity Rewards
Member since 24 Aug 2011
Total posts 384
Very well done, looking forward to next week's instalment :)
Thank you, I'll see if prepare something up to scratch.
Member since 20 Aug 2012
Total posts 35
We'll done! It's funny because it's true :)
Member since 07 May 2012
Total posts 299
Qantas - Qantas Frequent Flyer Platinum
Member since 07 Feb 2013
Total posts 431
Gold, keep em coming
Delta Air Lines - SkyMiles
Member since 14 Apr 2013
Total posts 295
Brilliant, Simply Brilliant
Member since 11 Apr 2014
Total posts 22
Truly exhilirating! Maybe because it is so true? Can't wait for more!
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[SATIRE] Interview with a Qantas bean counter
This is an original piece I wrote in one sitting the other night.
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